Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Yes, I'm Bitter!

I'm very bitter.  There.  I said it.  I'm so very thankful for my precious girls and realize how blessed I am to finally have them, but I'm still bitter and wonder if I might always be.  Infertility (IF) has a way of making people that way.  Once we finally succeed in having a family we think we are "over it", and for the most part we are.  I can finally go to baby showers and birthday parties again.  But then certain things, like NIAW or a pregnancy announcment (they still bug me!  Way less than before but still) can trigger a whole flood of memories and feelings.

I'm bitter because I never got to do this the "normal" way.  Before IF I used to look forward to the time when my husband (whoever and wherever he was) and I would start trying to have a baby.  I wondered what it would be like to ditch the pills and watch the calendar and have purposely unprotected sex on a certain day or two and then wonder, "did we just make a baby?"  And then spend the next 2 weeks or so wondering and hoping and anticipating finding out.  Then I was diagnosed with endometriosis and lost an ovary.  I knew that I would probaly never get to "try", but rather when I finally got married we'd have to seek treatment right away.  I still got to experience that awful 2 week wait (2WW), but it wasn't the same and it was way more agonizing.  I'm jealous of people who can just have sex and get pregnant and every pregnancy announcment is a reminder of how not normal I am and how my body has failed me.

I'm bitter because we had to buy our kids.  At least we got two for one!  They are worth every penny and then some, but still.

I'm bitter because, since I had to do IVF, I had twins, and because I had twins my chances of having a vaginal birth dropped significantly, and my chances of having a natural, med-free birth went completely out the window.  With twins, even if you're able to deliver vaginally, you still have to have an epidural in case they end up needing to take the second baby by c-section at the last minute.  My dream was always to go without an epi.  I wanted to be able to walk around, labor in any position I felt like (as opposed to being forced to be flat on your back) and be able to feel what was going on and when to push and all that.  I might have changed my mind at some point and got one afterall, but I at least wanted to try going without.  I didn't even have the option.

I'm bitter because I never got to experience labor.  My twins were both breech, so I had a scheduled c-section.  And I went to 38 weeks 1 day without a single contraction.  So I have no idea what it feels like to go into labor, have your water break, lose your mucus plug, any of that.

I'm bitter because so many other people I know over 35 had no problem whatsoever conceiving.  I'm jealous.  All this talk about how fertility decreases significantly after 30, let alone 35, but all the late 30-somethings I know or hear about, a few months of trying and bam!  Pregnant.  Except me.  And my best friend but that was several years ago.  Once I was in the game, everyone but me conceived instantly.

Having said all that, I'm just extremely happy to have my girls, regardless what we had to go through to get them, and thankful for the technology that made it possible.  It's not like I walk around with a cloud over my head all the time cursing my body and IF and IVF.

Wow.  It feels great to let that all out.  I've wanted to before but always feel like I should just focus on the blessing that is my girls and not whine.  But I can't get over the feeling that some people just don't get it--just don't understand how deep and to what extent the pain of IF can go.  I just want people to get it!  Even though, like anything else, you can't really get it unless you've been through it.  I get that.


Christina said...

I get it!

Kristen said...

I get it my friend. YOu are right you are blessed to have your two precious girls but even so IF leaves a scar and a void that gets better with time but never ever completely leave you. YOu are fortunate to have conceived and given birth to your beautiful girls but none the less it still hurts you had to go to such great lenghts to get there. I never got to conceive or give birth but I couldnt' be happier with my little boy i couldn't possibly love him any more but even so I will always have a bit of anger at IF and carry the pain and scar it leaves. People who have never had to go through the months or the years of IF and treatment will never be able to understand. I am sorry my friend you had to go through this. Something I never dreamed of!!!

Jessica Anne said...

I know this is an old post, but I feel like I could have written it myself!! The pregnancy announcements still bother me as well... especially when they were not planned. But, I think IF does make us appreciate the miracle of life just that little bit more.